How The Levi Stole Christmas
by AnimeFever1991
Summary: [(Levi x Child Reader) CrackFic AU] Levi hates Christmas! He hates anything to do with Christmas. So on Christmas Eve, he and his dog Eren, steals the Titan's Christmas. Total crack! That's what this is! XD


Every Titan in Titansville liked Christmas a lot, but the Levi, who lived just south of Titansville, did not.

The Levi hated Christmas-the whole Christmas season. Please don't ask why; no one quite knows the reason.

It could be, perhaps that his boots where on too tight. Or that his hair wasn't cut just right.

But I think that the most likely reason of all...may have been that his stature was two sizes too small.

But, whatever the reason, his stature or his boots, he stood there on Christmas Eve hating the Titans.

Staring down from his cave, with a sour Levi scowl, at the warm, lighted windows below in their town. For he knew that every Titan down in Titansville beneath was busy now, hanging a holly titan wreath.

"And they're hanging their stockings!" he snarled with a sneer, holding his dog Eren up by the cuff of his neck."Tomorrow's Christmas! It's practically here!"

Then he growled, while his Levi fingers nervously drumming Eren's head.

"I must find some way to keep Christmas from coming! For tomorrow, I know all those Titan girls and boys will wake up bright and early. They'll rush down to their toys! And then! Oh, the fucking noise! Oh, the fucking noise, noise, noise! Noise!"

"And their squeaks, squeals and their shrieks, racing around on their wheels. They'll blow on their wanglers.

"Then the Titans, young and old, will sit down to a feast. And they'll feast! And they'll feast. And they'll fucking feast, feast, feast! Feast! They'll feast on Titan-pudding and rare Titan-roast-beast.

"And then, they'll do something I hate, most of all! Every Titan down in Titansville, the tall and the small, will stand close together, with those damn Christmas bells ringing. They'll stand, hand-in-hand. And those Titans will stat singing! And they'll fucking sing! Sing, sing, sing!"

And the more the Levi though of this Titan-Christmas-song, the more he thought.

"I must stop this whole thing!" he said, eyeing Eren carefully, who was cowering in fear in the snow. "Forty-three years I've put up with this shitting thing."

I must stop Christmas from coming!" he said, tapping his chin, as Eren got out from the snow, a snow-beard and mustache covering his face. "But how?"

Then he got an idea. An awful idea. The Levi got a wonderful, awful idea as a smirk spread across his features.

"I know just what to do!" Levi laughed in his throat, dragging Eren in his cave. "I'll make a quick Santa Claus hat and coat."

And he chuckled and clucked while he made his hat and coat, with the help of Eren.

"What a great Levi trick. With this coat and this hat, I'll look just like Saint Nick!" he said, looking at himself in the mirror when he was done.

"All I need now is a reindeer," Levi looked around, but there was none to be found.

Did that stop the short man?

"Ha! Ha! Ha!" Levi simply said. "If I can't find a reindeer, I'll make one instead."

He smiled an evil smile, looking right at poor Eren, who was slinking away, hiding under Levi's bed.

So he took his dog Eren, and he took some red thread, and he tied a big horn on the top of his head.

Then he loaded some sacks and some bags on a ramshackle sleigh, and he whistled for Eren.

Eren jumped on the sleigh, happily wagging his tail to and frow, but Levi was not amused.

He grabbed Eren by the horn on his head and tied him to the front of his sleigh.

"Giddyap!" he yelled, whipping Eren, making him yelp as the sleigh stated down towards the town where the Titans lay a-snooze in their homes.

All the windows where dark. Nobody knew he was there. All the Titans were all dreaming sweet dreams without a care when he came to the first little house on the square.

"This is stop number one!" Levi Claus hissed as he climbed the latter, to the roof, empty bags in his hands.

Stalking the roof he went to the chimney as he eyed the brick arrangement in utter disgust.

"Tch, disgusting."

Then he slid down the chimney. A rather tight fit, but if the fat man could do it, he would too. He got stuck once, for only a minute, then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue where the little Titan stockings were hung in a row.

"These stockings," he grinned, flicking them. "Are the first to go."

He ripped them all off one by one.

Next, he slithered and slunk, with the most unpleasant smile around the whole room, and he took all of the presents, stuffing them in bags. Then Levi, very nimbly stuffed all the bags, one at a time, up the chimney.

Signaling For Eren, he threw the bags down for him to take back to the sleigh.

He took all the ornaments off the tree, even the star on the top of the tree.

After he was done. He crept into the kids' bedrooms, taking their candy canes.

Then he slunk to the icebox, where he took the Titans' feast! He took the Titan-pudding! He took the roast beast! He cleaned the icebox out as the quick of a flash. He even took the Titans' last can of Titan-hash! With glee, he stuffed all the food up the chimney.

"And now," Levi grinned. "I'll stuff up this damn tree!"

As he took the tree, Levi started to shove, until he heard the small sound like coo of a dove.

He turned fast and he saw a small Titan.

Little (y/n) (m/n) Titan, who was no more than three.

"Why? Santa Claus. Why are you taking our Christmas tree? Why?" she said staring at Levi.

But that old Levi was so smart and slick he thought of a lie and thought it up quick.

"Why my sweet little tot," the Levi Claus lied. "There's a light on this tree that won't on one side. So, my dear, I'm taking in home to my workshop and I'll fix it up there, then bring it back here."

His fib fooled the child. He patted her head and got her a drink and sent her to bed. When (y/n) (m/n) was in bed, he snuck to the chimney and stuffed the tree up.

Then he went up the chimney and the last thing he took was the log for their fire.

On the walls, he left nothing but hooks and some wire.

He didn't leave a speck of food for the sake of his cleanliness.

Then he did the same thing to the other Titans' houses, leaving nothing but a clean house.

Soon all the bags and sacks were full and on his sleigh, while Eren was tied to the front as he climed up on the heaping pile of Christmas stuff.

Using his whip once again, the sleigh trudged forward up the mountain, ten thousand feet up.

Up the top of Mount Stumpit, with his load, he rode to the tiptop to dump it, whipping poor Eren all the way.

"Suck it, you damn Titans," he hummed. "There finding out now no Christmas is coming."

Walking towards Eren, he grabbed his chin, looking him in the face.

"There waking up and I know just what they'll do! Their mouths will hand open for a minute and all the Titans in Titansville will all cry boo-hoo."

"That's a sound," he grinned running to the edge. "I simply have to hear!"

He paused and he put his hand near his ear, slightly leaning in, and he indeed heard a sound rising over the snow. It started low and started to grow as the sun started to rise over the horizon.

This sound wasn't sad. This sound sounded quite glad. Every Titan down in Titansville, tall and small, were singing without any presents at all!

He hadn't stopped Christmas form coming from coming. It came!

There stood Levi, feet ice-cold from the snow, puzzled.

"How the fuck is this possible?" he thought out load. "It came without ribbons. It came without presents, boxes and bags."

He puzzled some more, until his puzzler became sore. Then he thought of something he hadn't thought before. _Maybe Christmas doesn't come form a store. Perhaps Christmas means a little bit more!_

Abruptly, the sleigh-slowly-started falling off. With the speed of lighting, he dived for the sleigh, trying to pull back up.

What happened then?

Well, in Titansville they say that Levi's small stature grew three sizes that day, then the true meaning of Christmas came through. Then Levi found the strength of ten Levis, plus two, as he hoisted the sleigh over his head.

Now that his stature wasn't so tight, he whizzed with the load through the bright morning light.

He descended Mount Stumpit with a smile in his soul.

He rode into Titansville, bringing back their toys. He brought everything back, even all the food for their feast. And he himself, Levi carved the roast beast.

Welcome Christmas, bring all you cheer. Cheer everyone far and near. For as long as we have hands to clasp, Christmas Day is in our grasp. As long as we have each other, Christmas Day will always be. Welcome Christmas, while we're here, heart to heart, hand in hand.


End file.
